I never said I wasn't a hypocrite

For all of those who say they don't want anything to do with church or religious people because they are all hypocrites, it is true. 

How could it not be?  The church is a group of human beings, presumably striving for holiness.  A people hopelessly flawed and forever struggling against sin.  Of course, every single person who claims to believe in Jesus Christ commits a multitude of transgressions--it is who we are.  An imperfect people forever engaged in the daily struggle of becoming perfect.  Or how about just becoming better? 

So, when a friend texted me last week and said that there were a few openings for a two-day retreat put on by the Dominican Sisters, I hesitated.  

We go to church every week, our kids go to a Christian school and we say our prayers before dinner and bed.  I have always struggled, however, with my faith. 

I can remember asking my mom at ten years old, "What if I don't believe?" 

When I decided to convert to the Catholic faith, it wasn't because I was absolutely convinced that it was all true.  Rather, I felt that I was being called to have faith--to trust.  In John, chapter 6, Jesus asks the twelve apostles, "Do you want to leave too?"  And Simon Peter answers, "To whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life."  I heard Scott Hahn, a Catholic theologian speak on this scripture.  He said, Simon Peter didn't know any more than any one else, but he chose to put his faith in Jesus.

And that is where I find myself very often.  Putting one doubting foot in front of the other.  Making one decision of faith at a time...struggling always.

What I found at the retreat were so many beautiful women.  It was not what some might imagine.  Perhaps you might think that the people attending a retreat like that have it all together.  That they are holy and shake their heads at those who are not.  But it was nothing of the sort.  As the priest spoke compassionately about the struggle with sin, I watched women cry.  I watched heavy tears fall.  I witnessed women filled with humility and a desire to better themselves.  I saw that we are all trying so hard and often failing miserably.  And that is okay.  It is good to be vulnerable.  And it is good to receive God's grace.

The priest told a story of going to confession with a friend of his.  Afterward, his friend shared what the priest said to him, "My friend, I feel you have let me in to the parlor of your heart.  What is in the back closet?  The locked box?"  We all have those things and often keep them hidden very well.  But how freeing would it be to take off the mask and allow others to see us as we are?

And if they call us hypocrites, we will say, "Absolutely.  Would you expect anything less?"  I live a life that professes God through my actions and my words.  I also stumble, sin and endlessly contradict myself.  The woman that I am is in constant conflict with the woman that I desire to be. 

The story goes that St. Thomas' sister asked of him, "How do you become a saint?"
And he replied, "By willing it." 

Fantastic Quote Friday

My children have the first stanza of this poem memorized because I say it so often and have often written it on our white board at home.  It is as much a reminder for me as it is for them.  These are beautiful words to live by.
Live fully and deliberately, my friends!

“Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.” 

―Ralph Waldo Emerson, Collected Poems and Translations

What is your favorite quote about beginning anew? 

Ralphie's Great Big List of Fun Things To Make Mommy Crazy!!

There are so many nights that, as I reflect on the day, I wonder what in the heck I accomplished!  The house looks like someone broke in and ransacked the place (but unfortunately decided not to take anything).  Why can't there be a toy thief, anyway??  They could come in to the house while everyone was away and fill up their giant bag like the Grinch who stole Christmas!  When everyone arrived home, the house would be amazingly uncluttered and the parents would secretly rejoice that the Toy Thief had come!  

Back to my point (sorry, stream of consciousness gets me every time).

 Laundry is endlessly piling up.  I may or may not have showered (I have finally gotten the knack down for speed-showering while Ralphie is strapped in to his high chair eating lunch, which I think my family is grateful for).

So today, I cataloged all of the wonderfully devious things my Ralphie did that kept me racing around like a lunatic.  And I realize, I did do something.  I (barely) kept my sanity, for which I give thanks.

1. Threw handfuls of red grapes from his high chair while squealing with delight.  And I chased after the grapes before the other children could smash them in to the floor. 

2. After I cleaned the boys' room, Ralphie hurriedly emptied out all of the pants and shorts from Dynamite's dresser drawer.

3. Hid my frothing pitcher used for my cappuccinos. (Did I mention that I had run out of milk and NEEDED to have a cappuccino, and that I strapped the kids in the car to go to the store and returned home with said milk??  And did I mention that I got out the frothing pitcher to fill it up and the phone rang and when I turned back around it was gone???  I NEEDED that precious nectar of the gods BAD).  And so, I made an iced cappuccino instead.  I still don't know where my frothing pitcher is.

4. When I turned around to answer the phone (see #3), Ralphie grabbed all of the napkins out of the napkin holder and scattered them all over the floor like he was throwing confetti at a birthday party.  Oh, you could see he thought it was absolutely delightful!  Meanwhile, I still couldn't find my friggin' frothing pitcher!!  (I was a little upset, as you can see).

5. Grabbed out all of the "B" index cards from my address box, which I had to put back in and re-alphabetize. (If you normally get a Christmas or birthday card from me, but don't this year, it's likely because your last name starts with "B" and was lost in all of the hullabaloo).  

6. Pushed a stool over to the sink and methodically began putting all of the clean dishes in to the same side as the dirty dishes (again).  I am one of the few remaining people on the planet who don't have a dish washer (slight exaggeration) and I can barely keep up with my dishes as it is, so I really don't need some little squirt to climb up to my sink and confusing me with what's clean and what's not.  (Honey, if you get a bowl out for cereal and there's something crusty inside of it, I'm not taking the blame).

7. While "helping" his sister with her lemonade/bake sale, Ralphie joyfully poured lemonade all over his shorts and down his legs.  Because, on a scale of wetness from 1-10, he was only about a 5, I let him continue playing.  

8. Ate a bag of bacon bits.

9. Squeezed an entire bottle of baby shampoo in to the bathtub while older brother was "overseeing" his bath time.  When asked why he let his little brother squeeze all of the shampoo in to the tub, he responded rather obviously with, "Because he wanted to."  Of course!

10.  Emptied my Christmas photo album out all over the floor.  When I had only two children, I would take all of the beautiful Christmas cards, photos and letters and organize them in to an album.  It was nothing fancy, but I just couldn't get rid of that memorabilia.  My kids love pulling out those albums and looking at them and cousin so-and-so and how little he was only a few years ago!  Well, one of the albums was left on a dresser today...a dresser that was a little too close to Ralphie's crib during nap time.  When I walked in to get him, there were pictures, cards and letters strewn everywhere.  Thankfully, none of them were ruined and it was only a matter of putting them back in.  I did snap at the children, however, for leaving anything relatively close to Ralphie's crib and then realized how silly that was since we can't leave anything anywhere!  I had to say I was sorry (again) for losing my temper.

So, while the things I did today cannot be checked off of a list, I was busy.  And for whatever reason, it feels validating to write it all down.  
What did you do today (that makes you feel like you did nothing and everything all at once)?

A Gift of Tears

I wanted a sign.  I know it was a lot to ask and that it is "an evil and unfaithful generation who ask for a sign."  (Matthew 12:39).  

And I'm okay with that.  

I'm not above saying that I have days when I struggle.  These last few days have been hard.
  
Cindy-Lou Who fractured her wrist.  

The kids were all in drive-mommy-to-the-funny-farm mode; I don't know how they coordinate schedules like that!  (When I told Dynamite that he was going to drive mommy straight to Crazyland, he said he didn't want to go to Crazyland; he wanted to go to SKATELAND)!!

I was placed on prednisone for allergies and literally did. not. sleep. for two days.  (My kitchen counters have never been whiter)!

My grandma was placed in hospice care.
 
I was tired.  God, have I been tired.

As I walked in to the hospital last night, I prayed in my head, "Lord, please, let me know you're here.  That you're a part of all of this.  That you are real..."  

Because I struggle.  Like, a lot.  I question everything.  A friend of mine once told me, "That's how you answer questions--with another question."  

I am doubting Thomas who asks Jesus to show him the nail wounds in His hands.  

I am Israel who keeps forgetting how much God loves them and continues to fall in to their old sinful ways. 

I've stopped feeling entirely bad about it.  We were made to wonder.  

I figure that if it's God who made me this way, then it's really not even my fault. ;-)  (You see what He has to work with here).

So, I asked.  

When I walked in to my grandma's room, my dad's wife showed me a picture of the rainbow that arched over the hospital as she was parking the car.  A sign.

But it wasn't a sign for me.  That was her sign.

I wanted to get my grandma a rosary to hold since that seemed to offer so much comfort to her.  As I wandered in to the bathroom, I thought, "What if there's a rosary hanging in the bathroom?"  (Yes, I'm a weirdo at times...most the time, actually).

But there wasn't one.  Only toilet paper.

I walked to my car to get a rosary and walked back up to my grandma's room.  I opened up her swollen fingers and placed the beads in her hand.  "Here, grandma," I said.  "Here's a rosary."  I prayed that the familiar feeling of the beads in her hand would help her rest.

As I got ready to leave, I laid my head on her chest.  And I cried.  

I have a hard time crying.  It's probably due to growing up in a fairly dysfunctional family (what family isn't?).  Being an only child, I often felt that I had to hold things together.  That if I cried or felt sad, everything would fall apart.  That feeling has followed me in to my adulthood.  

There have been so many times I have willed myself to cry, desired the flood of emotions to take over, known that the situation called for tears, but they wouldn't come.  Apparently, my brain had trained my tear ducts not to render tears. 

But last night, I sobbed on my grandma's chest.  I cried like a 5-year old girl.  My tears fogged up  my glasses and my nose ran.  This carefully-constructed shield that had been placed over my heart for so long was seemingly lifted off of me.  My heart was exposed.

And I savored my humanness for a moment.  Clung to feeling sad, because it was exactly what I felt.  "Good and honest sorrow." (Isaias Powers) 

 It is a beautiful thing to find that you are still capable of feeling pain.  

And that was it.  My sign.
 
A gift of tears.  

My dad's wife got a rainbow and I got the rain.  

I couldn't have been more grateful.
 

Guarding the Stone

Time.  It's all we have and yet never have enough.

We rush trying to pack in a million things and are blinded to the holiness that surrounds us.  

The wonders of the everyday.  The divine conversations we take part in day after day--all heavenly.

There's a pin ball machine banging in the background.  A baby playing.  And the holy rosary being prayed both on the television and in my head.

I stop.  Slow.  Listen.  I breathe in holiness and deliberate how to seal it in--like the stone rolled in front of the tomb.  

And yet like the body of Jesus disappearing, the peace inevitably finds a way to escape.  The one guarding the stone falls asleep at least twenty times a day.

A type of sleep apnea of the soul, I presume.

Racked sleep and cessation of breathing in holiness.

Today, I fight to stay awake.  To keep watch over the stone.  To seal in those things that are good and Spirit-filled.

Things that are divine, barely spoken, beautiful.  

I hide them in my heart and stand guard.

Silence in the circus?

I like to read about different religions and belief systems.  Not because I'm ready to jump ship on what I believe, but because I think that valuable teachings can be learned from most philosophies.

I am a little obsessed with things that are calming.  Why?  Probably because I love quiet, candles and Norah Jones and I live in a house with a (super-cute) husband and four noisy (but also super-cute) kids.  I crave the sound of soft piano music flowing out of Pandora.  When I do get the chance to be all alone, I light all of my votives, get out my knitting and perhaps listen to a book on cd.  It just doesn't get much better than that.  (I am acutely aware of how those words depict me as a 75-year old woman).

However, this is most often not my reality.  My reality is more like being woken up with a blow horn in your ear.  "Wake up!  On your toes!  No dilly-dallying, sister!!"  My reality is always feeling like I have to be "on."  If I dare sit down, it is a signal to all of the children to climb on me like a brand new jungle gym.  Or to request a snack...or a butt-wiper (of which I am said to hold the title--not bragging, just sayin'.)  

It's hard when the way you want things and the way things are don't always coincide.  Please note, I am not saying that I don't dearly love my children or wishing away the beautiful chaos that ensues daily.  I am simply saying that it can be difficult for a person who so enjoys quiet to very rarely get any.

Soooo, as of late, I've checked out some books from the library on meditation and the Buddhist practice of embracing silence.  Silence is not always referencing the absence of sound.  It is the quieting of the mind even when there is chatter and sound all around you.  It is learning to be fully present to each moment of your day and saying, "Just this."  

The "Just This" principle is one I read about in a book.  As you are buttoning your child's coat, think, "Just this."  The feel of the cold zipper in your fingers.  You engaging your child.

As you are walking in your backyard, think, "Just this."  The crunching of the grass beneath your shoes.  The feel of your feet against the earth.  The sound of the wind rustling the trees.  

As your child is rambling on and on about what, you don't know.  Stop, look at him and think, "Just this."  These words.  This interaction.  Is this the first time you really saw him today?

If you want to read more about embracing silence, here is a great article by a Catholic Priest, Gus Gordon.  In it, he speaks of the value of the Buddhist elevation of silence and how it can impact our lives.  And ultimately, how it is there that we can experience God and love.

"My own personal task is not simply that of poet and writer (still less commentator, pseudo-prophet); it is basically to praise God out of an inner center of silence, gratitude, and ‘awareness.’ This can be realized in a life that apparently accomplishes nothing. Without centering on accomplishment or nonaccomplishment, my task is simply the breathing of this gratitude from day to day, in simplicity, and for the rest turning my hand to whatever comes, work being part of praise, whether splitting logs or writing poems, or best of all simple notes." -Thomas Merton

---

History Repeats Itself, Sandy Hook and Judas

On December 14th, 2012 at around 9:30 a.m., twenty-six people were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School by a 20-year old kid with a gun.  Twenty of them were children--first graders. 

On December 14th, 2012 around 6:30 p.m., we bundled our children until they couldn't move their arms to attend Holiday Nights at the Henry Ford Village.  As I buttoned their coats, I pulled them close and pressed my cheek against theirs. 

It felt wrong that we should be doing anything so enjoyable while mothers and fathers were sick with grief.  It felt wrong that worlds were shattered, but ours was still in tact.  

We walked through the Village arm in arm.  We smiled and talked about our week pretending that all was right with the world.

It was cold out and our breath rolled off of our lips in a white fog.

"What's that?" my four-year old wondered aloud.

"It's your breath," I said.

"What's bref?" he asked.

"It's air that flows in and out of your body," I grappled with words, "It tells us that you are breathing."

"What's breaving?"

"It tells us that you are alive," I answered.  The words hung heavy in the air.  

Our sweet child was alive.  And twenty-six others were not.  Adults and children whose lives were ended in the blink of an eye.

I won't lie.  I stood grateful.  God, was I grateful.  But I fully recognized that another mother sat telling her little boy that his sister would not be coming home from school that day.  Not ever.

Bonfires glowed and hands felt the rough bark of sticks that browned marshmallows.  Carolers sang in tightly-knit circles, their hands being warmed by furry muffs.

Silent Night echoed throughout the moonlit streets.  We listened and prayed in our hearts for those whose night was not silent at all, but filled with the sobs that wake you even in your sleep.

We listened to horses trot, drank hot apple cider and earnestly longed for a time when living seemed gentler.

We sang about the birth of the One and mourned the death of so many.

We warmed our children's hands with our own and thanked God for one more day.

Innocent blood was shed.

Two thousand years ago and a million times in between.  It's the age old tragedy of the human condition.

Children who did nothing wrong at the mercy of a deranged man with a gun.

A man who did nothing wrong, but was betrayed with a kiss by his companion. 

Mothers wept.

Men suffered.

Judas hung himself.  A murder suicide.

Betrayal.

Anger.

So many questions.

Revenge upon the innocent.

A heart grieved.

And yet again, we find ourselves hoping for redemption.  Praying for peace.  We wring our hands and beg to be delivered from such suffering.

Today and two thousand years ago...and a million times in between, we pray, "Come, Lord Jesus, come."