I never said I wasn't a hypocrite

For all of those who say they don't want anything to do with church or religious people because they are all hypocrites, it is true. 

How could it not be?  The church is a group of human beings, presumably striving for holiness.  A people hopelessly flawed and forever struggling against sin.  Of course, every single person who claims to believe in Jesus Christ commits a multitude of transgressions--it is who we are.  An imperfect people forever engaged in the daily struggle of becoming perfect.  Or how about just becoming better? 

So, when a friend texted me last week and said that there were a few openings for a two-day retreat put on by the Dominican Sisters, I hesitated.  

We go to church every week, our kids go to a Christian school and we say our prayers before dinner and bed.  I have always struggled, however, with my faith. 

I can remember asking my mom at ten years old, "What if I don't believe?" 

When I decided to convert to the Catholic faith, it wasn't because I was absolutely convinced that it was all true.  Rather, I felt that I was being called to have faith--to trust.  In John, chapter 6, Jesus asks the twelve apostles, "Do you want to leave too?"  And Simon Peter answers, "To whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life."  I heard Scott Hahn, a Catholic theologian speak on this scripture.  He said, Simon Peter didn't know any more than any one else, but he chose to put his faith in Jesus.

And that is where I find myself very often.  Putting one doubting foot in front of the other.  Making one decision of faith at a time...struggling always.

What I found at the retreat were so many beautiful women.  It was not what some might imagine.  Perhaps you might think that the people attending a retreat like that have it all together.  That they are holy and shake their heads at those who are not.  But it was nothing of the sort.  As the priest spoke compassionately about the struggle with sin, I watched women cry.  I watched heavy tears fall.  I witnessed women filled with humility and a desire to better themselves.  I saw that we are all trying so hard and often failing miserably.  And that is okay.  It is good to be vulnerable.  And it is good to receive God's grace.

The priest told a story of going to confession with a friend of his.  Afterward, his friend shared what the priest said to him, "My friend, I feel you have let me in to the parlor of your heart.  What is in the back closet?  The locked box?"  We all have those things and often keep them hidden very well.  But how freeing would it be to take off the mask and allow others to see us as we are?

And if they call us hypocrites, we will say, "Absolutely.  Would you expect anything less?"  I live a life that professes God through my actions and my words.  I also stumble, sin and endlessly contradict myself.  The woman that I am is in constant conflict with the woman that I desire to be. 

The story goes that St. Thomas' sister asked of him, "How do you become a saint?"
And he replied, "By willing it."