Why I got kicked out of the club...

When I read this blog, I saw ME written all over it. I also posted this link on my facebook site, so you may have already read it.

But in case you haven't, the gist is that this girl felt like when she became a christian, she had joined a club in which you acted and thought a certain way. No need to tap in to your own gut feelings about things, it's all been laid out for you. This is how we think, act, feel, dress, believe. Wow, could I relate.

Most of you know that I went to a christian college for my first two years of school. While I met a lot of wonderful people, I began to subscribe to the idea that if I wanted to be a part of "the club", I had to be someone other than who I was.

I tried this for a while. I wore ankle length dresses. I probably said things like, "Oh, sugar!" when I was upset. I only hung out with people who were also part of this crowd. I was very holy, indeed....

Until I felt like I was going to suffocate.

The pressure weighed down on me until I couldn't bear it any longer. I was eighteen and I started smoking, drinking, doing all the things that were absolutely not allowed in "the club". And while I didn't like that lifestyle, it felt good to yell at the top of my lungs, "I will not conform to your feathered bangs and your 10:00 curfew!!". I began to despise "the club".

For years, I had a hot/cold relationship with the whole church idea. Then I got married, had children, etc. and seriously re-joined "the club". This time, I would be perfect. I would do and say all of the right things. I would homeschool my children, buy organic food, wear jean jumpers and little make-up. Surprisingly...but not...those old feelings came back to haunt me. I was going to die of suffocation.

And so, I had to figure out some hard and life-giving lessons:

-Jesus came for the sinners, not the saints.

-I am valuable because I was created with human dignity, and not because of all the "good things" that I do. Because I was created in the image of God, himself.

-I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and that is okay. I am flawed and remarkably human.

-I am not likeable because a group of people deems me so, but because I like myself at the end of the day.

-I'm sick of trying to please others and only need to worry about what Jesus thinks (and as Jamie points out in her blog, Jesus was a non-conformist. He was always pissing people off and served only one purpose: bringing glory to his Father in heaven).

-You can be yourself and love Jesus. You can be yourself and please Jesus. You must be yourself.


I like make-up...a lot. I get highlights. I donated my jean jumpers. I put my kids in school because it was what was best for us. I sometimes use words that are inappropriate (and for some reason, find it exceedingly funny when others do, as well). I like trashy magazines that fill me in on celebrity gossip. And I have a whole laundry list more of things that others might judge me for.

And yet, in all of this, I feel that I have found a happy place. I like me and I know that despite my wariness of "the club", God thinks I'm alright too.

To Plan or Not to Plan

So, today is day four of the kids being on Easter vacation. We have planned a lot of entertaining/stimulating activities for them. For example, on Monday we just met a friend of mine at McDonald's and let the kids run and wear their little selves out.

On Tuesday, I took the kids to the movie theater to see "Rio". I haven't been to the theater in probably three years. I didn't figure in that almost everyone is out for spring break, not jut my kids, and we ended up sitting in the second row. My neck was crooned at a ninety degree angle for the duration of the movie, but the kids were thrilled.

Yesterday, I had my 28 week baby check-up and a hair appointment, so the kids hung out with my mom, dh and the babysitter all day.

This morning, I had planned on taking them to the science museum, but Super-boy has had a nasty cough for the last couple of days. At about 9:30, everyone was driving each other crazy. They were fighting over a bugle that I very calmly stuffed in the garbage after one child went after the other with it and it was thrown hitting the chandelier. No, our house is not typically that out of control, but it can escalate quickly.

All three children then began to cry and I had the anxious impulse to get everyone ready and get them the heck out of the house. But why?? Why do I so often feel the need to entertain my children and plan to the enth degree instead of letting them find things for themselves to do?

I believe it's because I really loathe disorder. I hate it when the kids are tearing through the house and getting all kinds of stuff out. It's easier for me to take them out and/or plan, plan, plan. Planning is not a bad thing, but I really do think it can be detrimental to their ability to be creative and think of things for themselves to do.

Today, I cut out tv because I felt like it was affecting their behavior negatively. So, here we are at 12:00 p.m. with no tv, no stimulation and no mom trying to direct their activities. What does it look like? Well, Dynamite is downstairs playing with his trains. Cindy-lou Who is making greeting cards and Super-boy is sitting on the couch next to the radio with a big smile on his face listening to Disney songs. And I'm blogging.

It's a pretty picture, one I'd like to re-create...but without creating it, if you get my drift.

Can you share your experience with me as far as what is a healthy balance in planning/not planning activities for your kids? How often do you plan a big outing (i.e. zoo, science center, etc.)? How capable do you think your kids are of thinking of things to do without your assistance?

Thanks for your responses!