History Repeats Itself, Sandy Hook and Judas

On December 14th, 2012 at around 9:30 a.m., twenty-six people were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School by a 20-year old kid with a gun.  Twenty of them were children--first graders. 

On December 14th, 2012 around 6:30 p.m., we bundled our children until they couldn't move their arms to attend Holiday Nights at the Henry Ford Village.  As I buttoned their coats, I pulled them close and pressed my cheek against theirs. 

It felt wrong that we should be doing anything so enjoyable while mothers and fathers were sick with grief.  It felt wrong that worlds were shattered, but ours was still in tact.  

We walked through the Village arm in arm.  We smiled and talked about our week pretending that all was right with the world.

It was cold out and our breath rolled off of our lips in a white fog.

"What's that?" my four-year old wondered aloud.

"It's your breath," I said.

"What's bref?" he asked.

"It's air that flows in and out of your body," I grappled with words, "It tells us that you are breathing."

"What's breaving?"

"It tells us that you are alive," I answered.  The words hung heavy in the air.  

Our sweet child was alive.  And twenty-six others were not.  Adults and children whose lives were ended in the blink of an eye.

I won't lie.  I stood grateful.  God, was I grateful.  But I fully recognized that another mother sat telling her little boy that his sister would not be coming home from school that day.  Not ever.

Bonfires glowed and hands felt the rough bark of sticks that browned marshmallows.  Carolers sang in tightly-knit circles, their hands being warmed by furry muffs.

Silent Night echoed throughout the moonlit streets.  We listened and prayed in our hearts for those whose night was not silent at all, but filled with the sobs that wake you even in your sleep.

We listened to horses trot, drank hot apple cider and earnestly longed for a time when living seemed gentler.

We sang about the birth of the One and mourned the death of so many.

We warmed our children's hands with our own and thanked God for one more day.

Innocent blood was shed.

Two thousand years ago and a million times in between.  It's the age old tragedy of the human condition.

Children who did nothing wrong at the mercy of a deranged man with a gun.

A man who did nothing wrong, but was betrayed with a kiss by his companion. 

Mothers wept.

Men suffered.

Judas hung himself.  A murder suicide.

Betrayal.

Anger.

So many questions.

Revenge upon the innocent.

A heart grieved.

And yet again, we find ourselves hoping for redemption.  Praying for peace.  We wring our hands and beg to be delivered from such suffering.

Today and two thousand years ago...and a million times in between, we pray, "Come, Lord Jesus, come."

My Grace-pacing Plan

Have you ever heard of a grace-pacing plan? I hadn't until about a year ago and I think it's a brialliant idea. This was mentioned to me by someone that I have a great respect and admiration for.

A grace-pacing plan is a plan by which you build things in to your daily life that encourage you to become a stronger person. Things that help you to maintain balance and structure. I didn't go in to much detail on this concept with the person that mentioned it to me, but I will tell you what it means to me, and subsequently, how I benefit from it.

The areas that tend to be easily neglected in my life are health/fitness, spiritual, marital and personal time. By nature of being a stay at home mom, I don't need to work in time to spend with my kids. In fact, if I didn't make a plan, that is all I would ever do. And while that is important, to be a balanced person, other aspects need to be focuses on as well.

I don't do this as often as I should or want to. But I will tell you, that when I take the time to put this plan in motion, I feel so much better. I feel stronger, more grounded, and I'm sure my husband feels more loved.

So, here's how I do it: I look at what I need in a week to strengthen my relationship with God. That may mean different things for different people. For some, it may mean getting to church one time a week. For others, it may be building in a daily devotional time and spending fifteen minutes in prayer. Again, different needs for different people, but find out what meets your spiritual needs and build it in to your week.

Next, and in no particular order, is making sure I exercise. if I don't put this on the calendar ahead of time, it usually won't happen. I feel pretty good if I get to the gym twice a week at this point, but I shoot for three. I try to exercise for thirty to forty-five minutes. Making it to the gym makes me feel physically strong, mentally balanced and self-empowering. (I plan on writing on that topic alone in the near future).

As far as the personal time goes, this can be after the kids go to bed, or when dh is home and I head out to the bookstore. As mothers and women in general, we so often focus on meeting others' needs that we forget to meet our own. I am a better mother and wife when I have time to read a book just for pleasure or take a nap without being interrupted. If I just hope that this will happen sometime during my week, it inevitably won't. I need to schedule it. Recently, I've hired a mother's helper to come over once a week and help out for a couple of hours and just play with the kids so I can sneak away to do whatever, whether it's writing, resting or even preparing dinner without a kid wrapped around my calf like a human leg-warmer.

As far as time with my husband goes, it is way too easy to let our lives become only about our children. Without being deliberate, dates and time alone fall by the wayside. Just recently, dh and I have started getting out about every other week for a night alone or with good friends. What I realize when we do this is that I still adore my husband. He still makes me laugh. Between hockey practice and fighting over who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper, it's easy to forget that. When I build this in to the grace-pacing plan, it stays a priority and adds a whole lot of wonderful to my life.

So there it is, folks. The long and short of it. Do you have any other things that you think would be beneficial to add in? Do you do something similar, but different? I want to hear about it! As I get older, I realize that life is more and more about being deliberate than anything else. It's about making positive choices and willing the life that we choose in to being.

God Loves Me...Even Though I'm Not a Bible-Thumper

So, I was talking with a good friend tonight and hashing out some of the reasons why we self-deprecate. We fill our own minds with can'ts and shouldn'ts. Why?

I believe one reason is that it's what is socially acceptable. When is the last time you heard someone say, "I'm an awesome cook. I enjoy doing it and my family loves it too. It's something I'm really good at"? And is there anything wrong with that? My gut reaction is to say no, of course there is nothing wrong with that. And yet, if I heard someone actually speak those words, I would probably be taken aback with how forthcoming and confident they were about their talents.

And here is another reason--a reason that pulses with resonation for me: unless something is overt ministry, it is not good enough. If I am writing for a paper instead of teaching Sunday School, it is...okay. If I enjoy playing softball, well, that's great, but I really should be doing something a little more holy. Now, this may very well be a personal problem, but I think a lot of people who grew up in particular denominations suffer from it.

These are lies we are told from the time we are young. When we want to be professors and our mentors say, "Have you thought about teaching the Bible?". When we want to be world travelers and our mentors say, "What about missions?". I am not saying that to teach religion is bad or that people shouldn't be encouraged to be missionaries. I am saying, however, that different people are called to be different things. I am saying that each of us is given different talents and many times those talents do not fall within the realm of overt ministry. I am saying that I am tired of feeling badly about something I was never intended to feel badly about.

I often feel that my life as a stay-at-home mom doesn't quite measure up. In the eyes of many, I'm not doing anything super-great. I am raising three and half kids (I'm fourteen weeks along with number four!) and living a pretty mediocre life. I am not standing on street corners and passing out pamphlets that say, "God loves you". And while I think that deserves a pat on the back, I think what I'm doing is pretty cool too.

At age thirty-two, I am just beginning to grasp that what I'm doing is good enough. And not just good enough, it is what I was created for. And how could I ever feel badly about that?