Games That We Play...

I went to WalMart with Dynamite the other day to buy a card for my uncle's birthday. A few aisles over, a child was going berzerk crying hysterically; I could even hear little feet jumping up and down. A woman probably in her fifties or sixties looked at me and proudly said, "I have three kids and eight grandkids, and none of them have ever acted like that!". I just smiled at her and said politely, "Really? Mine have!". She very quickly went back to scanning her cards and obviously wanted nothing to do with the woman who also has dealt with out-of-control children. I looked at Dynamite who was happily stuffing his face with Cheetohs (something I would have never done with number one or two) and said a prayer of thanks that he was keeping quiet.

There is a little something I like to call "The Maternal Pissing Contest" (MPC). I know, I know, it's a bit crass; I should really think of something a little sweeter on the ears to call it. However, I think it really captures the idea perfectly. Some women like to pretend that they have it all figured out. Their children would never act like those children. I'm not buying it for a second.

The unfortunate thing is that this leaves many moms feeling totally inadequate. "Why does everyone else seem like they have it so together and I didn't even brush my teeth this morning?". Or "I bet the Smith's never yell at their child and I am a wild banchee at home!". Dear friend, if you are worried that you are not doing a good enough job, chances are you're doing an outstanding job. You care, you want the best for your child, you are striving to be better, which is what we all should be working toward.

I'll be honest. When I hear a mom bragging, eh hem, sharing how she's got it all together, I just smile and nod, tell her what a great job she's doing. Here's the tricky part though: I used to feel like a loser and compare myself and participate in the infamous MPC. Now, I remind myself that what works for her may not work for me. That I can be an amazing mom even if I don't feed them organic fruit and keep my voice at a pleasant tone all day (if I keep it below a roar, I make a note to congratulate myself).

Raising kids is hard work. We all lose it sometimes...and some more often than others. We all make decisions at times out of convenience verses health consciousness. We all have days that feel like groundhog day. You are not alone. You are fighting the good fight. Pat yourself on the back and have a piece of chocolate. The MPC is never a fun game to play anyway.

Serenity Now....

About six weeks ago, our basement backed up with raw sewage. It is the second time this has happened and is due to lilac bush roots, of all things. Apparently their roots are threadlike and extremely invasive. And it doesn't help the case that we have them dappled throughout our yard. They are lovely, they smell heavenly, but I'm ready to rip them all out with my bare hands...can you tell I'm more than a little frustrated?

So my dear husband has been working day and night to get things cleaned up. That has entailed ripping out carpet, old tile, and laying concrete. We figured while we were at it, we might as well paint the basement and really freshen up the look. So in the last couple of days he has primed and painted the walls with the help of my charitable-with-his-time-father-in-law.

Thankfully, there is a little path cleared for me to get to the washer and dryer in the midst of all of the chaos. So two days ago, when I went to turn on the dryer and it didn't work, I was...perplexed. Hmmm, was it the plug? Was there lint in the trap that was messing things up? I don't know; I'm not dryer technician, but I knew there was a problem.

Dh checked it out last night to come up and break the news that he was going to have to take the whole thing apart. Deep breath. At which point, I told him, nope...we don't need another project. I will take everything to the laundromat.

This morning I woke up feeling a bit of despair. This is a slippery slope for me. One of my greatest weaknesses is negative thinking. So, I got out my Joyce Meyer book, "Power Thoughts" and read a chapter. There she was talking about how we can choose our own thoughts. So, instead of bursting in to tears, I chose to come and write in my blog...to tell you about my struggles today, but to cheerfully commit to remaining positive.

Retraining our minds to think healthy thoughts is tough, at least it is for me. It doesn't come naturally. Sometimes I want to wallow in my own misery. Or I allow myself to be overcome by extenuating circumstances. Sometimes, quite honestly, it feels as though I am clawing my way back to the light.

But not today. Today, I will smile in spite of my frustration and my dirty clothes...a small thing in comparison with those who are really suffering. I will choose not to be overcome by things that are out of my control. And to help me in this process, I will probably say the serenity prayer at least one hundred times:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Have a deliberately wonderful day, everyone!

Who is God for you today?

Have you ever noticed that you grow the most through the hardships you encounter? As much as I would choose to wish away every difficulty that comes my way, I hold on to the truth that I will come out stronger on the other side.

When we had our late-term miscarriage four years ago, it amazed me that the sun continued to rise each morning, while I was stuck in my suffering. I have never grieved like that. For the first time in my life, I woke up sobbing...I had actually been crying in my sleep. Talk about deep sadness. And yet, life continued on. Kids needed bathing, food needed cooking, my soul needed mending. It took a long time. But time does, indeed, heal. And in the end, I experienced God as Comforter and Healer. I found out what "I Am" really means. There are endless facets to God, many of which are only revealed through deep suffering.

There is a beautiful song by Nicole Nordeman that really captures this idea called "I Am". (Check it out by clicking on the link). I sang this very song at my grandma's funeral. It talks about the unfolding of who God is in our lives as we grow older. In the beginning, He is "elbow-healer and secret-keeper" and gradually, He becomes more...Savior, Redeemer.

For the longest time, I felt as though I could earn my way in to heaven. If I did all of the right things and prayed all of the right prayers, I would surely be able to make it through. I guess you could say I felt "qualified". I was doing all of the right stuff. But through honest soul-searching, I have come to realize that 1) there is nothing I can do and 2) that Jesus is my Savior. Raise the flag! Another new facet has been unveiled. He is not only my comforter and my healer, but he is my savior. I am a sinner in need of saving. I am no better than the man in prison. The Bible says that "there is no distinction for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). I am humbled by this truth and set free by it as well.

One of the greatest things about recognizing that I do not earn God's love is that my motivation for doing good is out of thankfulness, not duty. I am washed over with mercy and grace and because God is so good to me; I want to pour out myself for Him. I want to pray and be in His presence just because. I am not checking off my "I am holy 'if'" list.

Some difficulties in our lives are simply placed upon us; some are self-induced. Regardless, the truth remains the same: the opportunity is there to be made stronger, to be refined by the fire. Peter Marshall said, "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”.

The book of Hebrews states that Jesus is the same today, tomorrow and forever. And while I don't want to argue with the Word of God (read sarcasm), Jesus has been different things for me in different seasons. Who is He for you today?

My Grace-pacing Plan

Have you ever heard of a grace-pacing plan? I hadn't until about a year ago and I think it's a brialliant idea. This was mentioned to me by someone that I have a great respect and admiration for.

A grace-pacing plan is a plan by which you build things in to your daily life that encourage you to become a stronger person. Things that help you to maintain balance and structure. I didn't go in to much detail on this concept with the person that mentioned it to me, but I will tell you what it means to me, and subsequently, how I benefit from it.

The areas that tend to be easily neglected in my life are health/fitness, spiritual, marital and personal time. By nature of being a stay at home mom, I don't need to work in time to spend with my kids. In fact, if I didn't make a plan, that is all I would ever do. And while that is important, to be a balanced person, other aspects need to be focuses on as well.

I don't do this as often as I should or want to. But I will tell you, that when I take the time to put this plan in motion, I feel so much better. I feel stronger, more grounded, and I'm sure my husband feels more loved.

So, here's how I do it: I look at what I need in a week to strengthen my relationship with God. That may mean different things for different people. For some, it may mean getting to church one time a week. For others, it may be building in a daily devotional time and spending fifteen minutes in prayer. Again, different needs for different people, but find out what meets your spiritual needs and build it in to your week.

Next, and in no particular order, is making sure I exercise. if I don't put this on the calendar ahead of time, it usually won't happen. I feel pretty good if I get to the gym twice a week at this point, but I shoot for three. I try to exercise for thirty to forty-five minutes. Making it to the gym makes me feel physically strong, mentally balanced and self-empowering. (I plan on writing on that topic alone in the near future).

As far as the personal time goes, this can be after the kids go to bed, or when dh is home and I head out to the bookstore. As mothers and women in general, we so often focus on meeting others' needs that we forget to meet our own. I am a better mother and wife when I have time to read a book just for pleasure or take a nap without being interrupted. If I just hope that this will happen sometime during my week, it inevitably won't. I need to schedule it. Recently, I've hired a mother's helper to come over once a week and help out for a couple of hours and just play with the kids so I can sneak away to do whatever, whether it's writing, resting or even preparing dinner without a kid wrapped around my calf like a human leg-warmer.

As far as time with my husband goes, it is way too easy to let our lives become only about our children. Without being deliberate, dates and time alone fall by the wayside. Just recently, dh and I have started getting out about every other week for a night alone or with good friends. What I realize when we do this is that I still adore my husband. He still makes me laugh. Between hockey practice and fighting over who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper, it's easy to forget that. When I build this in to the grace-pacing plan, it stays a priority and adds a whole lot of wonderful to my life.

So there it is, folks. The long and short of it. Do you have any other things that you think would be beneficial to add in? Do you do something similar, but different? I want to hear about it! As I get older, I realize that life is more and more about being deliberate than anything else. It's about making positive choices and willing the life that we choose in to being.

I'm a Goody-bag Convert

Yesterday, Cindy-Lou Who got an idea in her head that she was not going to shake. "Mom, can we make goody-bags for the Valentine's Day Party at school?", she asked. Ugh. The sky grew dim and there was a bellowing organ piping in the background, "Duh-duh-duhhhhhhhh".

I don't like goody bags. I don't like all the candy that comes in them, especially the hard candy that rots my kids' teeth. I don't like the little thingamajigs that get dumped out all over my coffee table and scattered all around the house. I don't like useless stuff. And in fact, while there are those who are packrats, I am one who tends to get rid of stuff. To my husband's chagrin, a little too much stuff. (Disclaimer: To all those reading this who have given my child(ren) a goody bag, I sincerely thank you and do not mean to sound ungrateful; it is simply that I am a scrooge).

So back to the request... I tried to put her off. "Well, we'll see," those famous last words. Well, I went to pick up Super-boy from school and came back to find exactly twelve (the number of children in her class) sandwich bags filled with things ranging from Halloween candy to old pencils with no erasers, pennies, candy canes and even an old whistle. At this point, I said, "Oh, Cindy-Lou Who, wow, you did a great job, but we really shouldn't give people our old stuff". Wrong choice of words. She burst in to tears sobbing, "But I worked so hard on them!".

Here is where mom shrinks to the ground and feels like she can't get any smaller. So what if I don't like goody bags! I was hearing all kinds of craziness come out of my mouth: "Honey, mommy will go to Target and get you new heart pencils and special Valentine candy. Maybe I can even find little heart bags!". The tears began to dry, and there I was at 8:30 p.m. with a cart full of miniature dinosaurs, slinkies, jolly rancher suckers, fun-shaped notepads, the list will only make you point and laugh at what a big schmuck I am!

But here's the thing: as I was buying all of this useless stuff for my little girl, I found myself feeling a little giddy. Why? Because I was making my daughter's day. Because, well, why can't we get carried away once in a while with the little things? Her joy was totally worth the inconvenience I felt at having to sift through this stuff. And to top things off, the first words out of her mouth this morning were, "I can't wait to do my goody-bags when I get home from school!".

That did it. I'm a goody-bag convert.

I Got a J-O-B!

Well, folks, I bit the bullet and applied for a job. That's right, a j-o-b.
I applied just before New Year's and, quite honestly, I was really not counting on being hired. But I wasn't even concerned about that; I felt I had overcome something just in applying. Moving out of a state of (writer's) inertia, as they say.
You see, I haven't worked in the field of my degree (English) since I was pregnant with my firstborn. It's been a very...long...time. Before children, I taught English as a Second Language and worked as an in-building substitute teacher. I've had the opportunity to work overseas and to work with business men and women, all desiring to speak English.
Michael and I went on our honeymoon and found out approximately three short weeks later that we were expecting. I took five classes that summer and five in the fall. I graduated in December at seven months along and Superboy was born in February. What a whirlwind!
All of that to say, life changed in an instant and it was quite intimidating to put myself out there again. I did, however, get an acceptance letter this week stating that I would be a good fit as a Special Needs columnist. I will be, Lord willing, writing two to three articles a week for an online publication.
As Inspector Gadget would say, "Wowzers, Penny!".

God Loves Me...Even Though I'm Not a Bible-Thumper

So, I was talking with a good friend tonight and hashing out some of the reasons why we self-deprecate. We fill our own minds with can'ts and shouldn'ts. Why?

I believe one reason is that it's what is socially acceptable. When is the last time you heard someone say, "I'm an awesome cook. I enjoy doing it and my family loves it too. It's something I'm really good at"? And is there anything wrong with that? My gut reaction is to say no, of course there is nothing wrong with that. And yet, if I heard someone actually speak those words, I would probably be taken aback with how forthcoming and confident they were about their talents.

And here is another reason--a reason that pulses with resonation for me: unless something is overt ministry, it is not good enough. If I am writing for a paper instead of teaching Sunday School, it is...okay. If I enjoy playing softball, well, that's great, but I really should be doing something a little more holy. Now, this may very well be a personal problem, but I think a lot of people who grew up in particular denominations suffer from it.

These are lies we are told from the time we are young. When we want to be professors and our mentors say, "Have you thought about teaching the Bible?". When we want to be world travelers and our mentors say, "What about missions?". I am not saying that to teach religion is bad or that people shouldn't be encouraged to be missionaries. I am saying, however, that different people are called to be different things. I am saying that each of us is given different talents and many times those talents do not fall within the realm of overt ministry. I am saying that I am tired of feeling badly about something I was never intended to feel badly about.

I often feel that my life as a stay-at-home mom doesn't quite measure up. In the eyes of many, I'm not doing anything super-great. I am raising three and half kids (I'm fourteen weeks along with number four!) and living a pretty mediocre life. I am not standing on street corners and passing out pamphlets that say, "God loves you". And while I think that deserves a pat on the back, I think what I'm doing is pretty cool too.

At age thirty-two, I am just beginning to grasp that what I'm doing is good enough. And not just good enough, it is what I was created for. And how could I ever feel badly about that?