Overpowering sadness with gratitude

The dirt path leading back to the woman's hut had turned in to a stream of thick mud.  Mud so thick one of my flip-flops was suctioned right off of my foot.  I stood on one fit trying to pry the cheap, rubbery shoe out of that seeming quicksand.

Tired, hot, and hungry we pressed forward.  

As we were walking, the men started speaking Burmese in hushed tones.  There was a foul odor that made you choke and cover your face as not to drink in the scent.  The men walked over to a nearby dumpster and looked inside.  They very matter-of-factly closed the lid and shook their heads.

We continued on to the hut.  There was a cluster of them close together and people carrying woven baskets on their hips.  We finally came to the woman we had come to see.  Her skin was brown and her long, black hair was greasy.  As we were leaving, the preacher told me that Burmese women do not bathe or leave their homes for a month (and sometimes longer) for fear of becoming ill; they do not want to be exposed to any breezes.

We extended a loaf of bread to her and took time to pray.  Even though she professed the Christian faith, there was a small statue of Buddha in the corner and some other paraphernalia  There was also what looked like a prayer card with Mother Mary's face on it taped to the wall.  

Her baby slept.

We said our good-byes and passed the foul odor once again.  I asked the preacher what the smell-- that rotting, make-my-stomach sick smell was.  

"There's a dead baby girl in the dumpster."

He said it with a tone that implies, "We see this all the time."

"Why would anyone throw their baby in a dumpster?" I questioned.

"Because she can't help the father in the fields.  He probably wanted a boy and threw her away."

Threw her away...like a candy wrapper.  Threw her away...like gum stuck to my shoe.  

These are hard truths.  Life is not always what you make of it.  There is evil and deep sadness. 

Needless lives are lost every day due to brutality of one form or another, as we saw in the tragic Colorado shooting. 

And I find myself wanting to put something good and meaningful back in to this place we call our home.  Beauty.  Joy.  Gratitude.  I count gifts, because if I don't, I will allow despair to swallow me up.  

Ann Voskamp states in her 10 Point Manifesto of Joyful Parenting:

"Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!"

Fight sadness with joy.  Create beauty.  Recognize evil and counter it with putting goodness back in.  

Here are a few things I've been thankful for over the last few days:

Living slow

Vegetables growing in the garden

Eyes full of wonder in my baby boy

Too much stuff

Breaking free

Semi-clean kitchen

Cherry tomatoes on my window sill

Kids who wake up in the middle of the night

Slip covers smudged in finger paint

Reconciliation

Getting a shower (hey, it's a big deal with four kids!)

The quiet that comes after a thunderstorm

A heart desperate to be in communion with God--God bless you, sweet girl

The hum of the air conditioner

A list of things to do that tells me I'm still alive

Husband drinking coffee, watching out window

Warm forgiveness

What are some of the things you're thankful for today?  You can always read here for more inspiration:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/category/1000gifts/ 

 

Getting Naked and How!

Last night, my very dear friend treated me to a Sarah McLachlan concert for an early birthday present.  I have loved Sarah since I was about sixteen.  I remember hearing her on an alternative radio station in Lansing and struggling to hear the name of this amazing artist whose voice had just captivated me.

Last night, however, was the very first time I heard her perform live.  Her voice sounded exactly as it did on the discs at home...even more lovely.  

About halfway in to the concert, she performed her song, "Fallen."  I absolutely love this song.  If you haven't heard it, click on the link and give it a listen.  It's a song about making mistakes and the hard realization that we are, indeed, fallen.  For anyone who has ever wanted a do-over or looked back on poor choices and felt pure contrition, this song cuts to the core.  

The air outside was cool, the trees were lush green and there was a full orchestra filling up all of that beautiful space.  As she sang, "Though I've tried, I've fallen/I have sunk so low/I messed up/Better I should know/So don't you come 'round here/And tell me I told you so," hands were raised above heads.  Faces were lifted and clearly contemplative.  For those four minutes, the scales fell off our eyes and we were all raw in our humanness.  We weren't in church, but it was a spiritual experience.  

By the artist allowing herself to be naked in her lyrics, we all were as well.  There are those profound moments in life when I think, "Damn.  It feels good to be human."  No facades.  No questions.  Just acceptance and gratitude.  What a gift to offer others peace through your song.

And we all have a song of some sort, don't we?  It might not sound the same and the words might be different.  Instead of spellbinding notes, it may be gritty.  It might not come out in music, but in authenticity within our relationships.  The songs are all individual, but at the core, we are all wonderfully human, broken.  

What are some works of art, music, film, etc. that have moved you deeply and pulled you out of the mundane?  That have stripped you of your niceties?

I'll leave you with a great quote taken from a video titled, "The Power of Art" loaned to me from a friend: "Great art has dreadful manners.  The greatest paintings grab you in a headlock, rough up your composure, and then proceed in short order to re-arrange your reality." -Simon Schama

Training Us Into Laziness

Today, we took the kids to Barnes and Noble after church.  I was browsing homeschooling books along with some knitting, piano and how-to photography.  These are all things that pique my interest, but I know little about.  You know that saying: Jack of all trades, master of none?  

Anyway, what caught my attention were all of the "Knitting For Dummies!" and "Piano for Idiots!" type books.  I refuse to pick them up and concede that I am one of them (even though they would probably teach me a heck of a lot).  

It makes me ponder all of the quick-fixes that are offered.  We are being trained in to laziness.  "Get rich quick!" "Lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks!"  (Seriously??)  "Read this book for morons and you will be able to knit an afghan!"  Think of all the magazines that fly off the racks because of the empty promises they offer.  How many of those magazines would sell if they said, "Bust your ass and follow this super-intense workout regimen."  

We want quick and easy.  I, for one, am always looking for that silver bullet.  Not in just one are of my life, but many. 
We continually set ourselves up for failure if we think anything of worth is going to come easy.  Do you know how long I have wanted to learn how to knit, but will not afford the time to sit down and figure it out?  I've dabbled in piano for years, but again, do not make it a priority.
I waste words from my daily word quota talking about how much I've always wanted to do this or that. 

And when the offer to be spoon-fed something presents itself, we jump on it...only to be disappointed that even the very least amount of work is not yielding the results we desire.  We actually have to WORK to accomplish the goal, whatever that may be.  Dang it.  

Do you have something you've always wanted to learn how to do?  Have you been able to overcome the inertia and learn it? 

When the experts lead us astray...

 When I found out I was expecting our first child, I read every book I could get my hands on.  I was clueless about babies having been raised as an only child (my brother did not enter in to our lives until I was twenty-six).  And for the record, I wasn't a spoiled brat having been an only (I was, however, spoiled with my parents' time)...but that is for another blog post.
I continued reading as my first-born got older and new babies came along.  It seemed the battle-cry of the experts at the time was "Compromise!"  Don't say no too often or you will break your child's spirit.  Let them feel like they are in control.  In short, the parent-card is taken out of your hands.   
Now, I know that is not the intended effect of these methods.  However, that is often what has happened in our home as a result.
Case in point:
One day, while homeschooling Super-boy in first grade, I said, "It's time to do our work for the day."  To which dear eldest replied, "I don't want to do my homework!"  I then replied (with all of my parenting expertise in the forefront of my mind, "Okay, let's compromise.  Want to go on a nature hike?"  "Yes!" he replied, ecstatic.  We got to the trail and both of my older children whined about how cold it was and that they just wanted to go home.  Ugh.  All of this work to get everyone out the door in the vein of compromise.
After we returned home and it was time to hit the books, Super-boy slumped over his chair and cried, "But I don't WANT to do my homework."  We were in the same spot we had been in two hours before, only more tired.
Kids crave boundaries.  I don't care what anyone tells you.  Now, had that same scenario erupted in our house as of late, I would respond, "This is the time for homework.  When we are done, you are free to use your time as you wish."  And despite kids responses, I believe it makes them feel secure; they know exactly what is expected of them, no ifs ands or buts. 
Not to mention, the more children you have, the more impossible it is to play the "compromise game" with each child.  There is a schedule and that schedule is mommy's saving grace.  Otherwise it would be mayhem!
I will say, however, that if I am able to compromise, I will. For example, "You don't want to take out the trash right now?  Okay, that's fine.  But today is Saturday and also the day you get to play video games.  Until the trash is taken out, there will be no video games."  
Or, for those of you who know my Dynamite, he loves to wear a suit DAILY.  Even on 80 degree days.  I explain to him that he will be a hot, sweaty mess if he wears the suit, but that it is his choice.  And most days, he still chooses to wear it.  Which is totally fine with me! (smile)
What are your thoughts on this?  How have you seen the tide turn in what the "experts" are telling us as parents?  Do you feel that we are encouraged to be too lax or too strict?  How has the advice of the "experts" translated in to your own homes?
As always, thanks for reading and for sharing!

Life Lessons I Learned From My Kids Today

I took Ralphie in to the Dr. this morning because I thought he may have an ear infection. My dear, patient Dr. told me that I probably just needed to feed him more. (smile) See? Even after four children, I need a little (sometimes a lot of) guidance.

But getting to my point:

We were seated by the entrance and Ralphie intently made eye contact with each person walking in. Upon eye contact, he smiled the biggest, seven-toothiest grin. And then he would wait for his next victim, being the slayer of hearts that he is. And it struck me: Ralphie thinks everyone in the world is in love with him. He smiles at everyone and absolutely turns inside out with every morsel of attention given him.

Lesson learned: Drop the insecurities. Life is too short to worry about what other people think about you. Assume that everyone thinks you are the wonderfully amazing person that you are, and if they don't, that's their problem! But above all, don't forget to smile!

Dynamite reminded me to dance. Dear eldest had Smoky Robinson on the radio and Dynamite had to break it down for everyone...in his suit. For those of you who know us outside of Blogworld, you know that Dynamite wears a suit every. single. day. Except on Tuesdays when I can talk him in to wearing a blazer and jeans because it's gym day at preschool.

Lesson learned: Get down with abandon. Have fun. Seriously have a good time. Do the moonwalk. Okay I'm getting carried away, but you get my drift.
Cindy-Lou Who reminded me to give hugs. All day long, she fawns over sweet Ralphie. She squeezes him, sits him on her lap, kisses him until his little cheekies are red. She swings Dynamite around while they listen to music. She even gets away with laying her head on Super-boy's shoulder. She is a lover by nature.

Lesson learned: Give affection. Hug them even when they seem like they don't want it. Ann Voskamp says in her Joyful Parenting Manifesto that the moment we are "repulsed by a child's behavior, that is the very moment we should draw closest to them." Cindy-Lou Who reminds me to stop being so goal-driven and give affection freely.
Lastly, today while Super-boy worked on thank you cards for his birthday he decided he was going to draw a picture of each gift he was given on the individual's card. So if he was given a BeyBlade, he would draw that for the person. In my head, I was screaming, "Don't do that! Just get it done! It's going to take you forever if you do that!" But to him, I just smiled and said, "That's really nice, honey, they'll love that." While we worked on spelling homework, there were sentences that said, "Insert a girl's/boy's name." He sat there thinking of all the hilarious names he could write. Again, I'm saying, "Just write Jimmy and be done with it!!" But that's not his style. If he's going to do something, he's going to find enjoyment in it. "Mom," he said, "How about Herbie?? That will really make Mrs. Sophiea laugh."

Lesson learned: Life is not always the race that I make it out to be. That endless checklist that I have might be a lot more fun if I allowed myself to slow down. To not be in such a hurry. And to LAUGH!! Be creative! Enjoy the journey and not just the destination!

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life." -Sophocles
"He who teaches children learns more than they do." -German Proverb

Redeeming Brokennes: A letter to my daughter

This morning was embarrassing. I felt like a loose cannon. I lashed out. I told my husband that I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I made my daughter feel sad.

And so, I decided to write her a letter in her journal. This journal is intended for when she gets older; for whenever I think the time is right...perhaps when she gets married or when she has her own little ones. I don't write in it as often as I'd like, but this morning I felt such a need to explain things to her. To explain that it's just a little nuts around here right now.

It's humbling to screw up. I wish I could keep it together all of the time, but I don't. And so, in the words of a wise friend, I decided to try and redeem this moment. How can I take something ugly and make it beautiful? How can I turn a failure in to a gift?

I know these little pieces of paper don't make it all go away, but I hope she'll be able to look back and realize that some times it all falls apart and there is healing power in contrition.

The reason I choose to share it is because I think that many of us have been there.


My dearest girl,

I believe I startled you this morning--made you feel sad, and I want you to know how sorry I am.

I know you are too young to understand now, but it is my hope that when you are older, you will realize that mommy is so very sorry.

I set my alarm to wake up at 5:15. Dynamite crawled in to bed and would not go back to sleep unless I laid with him. And so I did...and then I fell back asleep as well.

At 7:15, your dad said, "Oh no! We overslept!" Then it was rush, rush, rush to get everyone ready for school. It was crazy hair day at school and you did not want that side ponytail; you wanted four buns on your head.

You are supposed to walk out the door at 7:35 and at 7:30, Grandma Shriver called to tell us that dear Aunt Bev had died. Dad was tearing up in the bathroom and all the while, we still had to get you out the door for school.

Dynamite was in the background continuously yelling, Get Me Dressed!!!!"

As I was putting your hair in to buns, I yelled. Loud. Probably loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. "YOU NEED TO WAIT!!!!" I was yelling at your brother, but you jumped.

I had to find a book bag for Superboy because he'd left his at his friend's.

I'd planned on making lunches at 5:15 a.m. when I woke up because I was so wiped out from the day before.

Oh, Cindy-Lou Who, life is a little crazy right now. I am sorry. I get so frustrated. I don't want you to have memories of me yelling.

My prayer regarding this morning is two-fold:

1) If and when you have children~or simply within the rigors of everyday life, that you will be gentle with yourself. Life is hard sometimes, but it is also full of wonderful discoveries and relationships. Try not to take things too seriously; I have such a hard time with this. I think I may adopt the philosophy (upon the advice of a dear friend) that you can be late every damn day for school, but I am not going to be a screaming lunatic. In the grand scheme of life, if you're late once in a while for something, it's not that big of a deal.

2) That you will be able to forgive me for all of the times I've failed you or hurt your little heart. You are the world to me and I'm sorry for the way I treat you at times; that I get so frustrated.

Always know that mommy adores you. I think of you all day long while you are at school and my heart swells with pride at what a sweet, sweet, girl you are.

I love you, Cindy-Lou Who.

I'm an instant gratification junkie!!

I guess I have a bit of an addictive personality. I like to see what's new in everyone's world...and I really like to avoid doing what I have to do, like mop the sweet potatoes off of the floor. And so I meander over to my computer. What?!? Twelve new stories since I checked it ten minutes ago??

Oh man, I had no idea that Paula Dean Jr. (not their real name) was having sweet potato pancakes with homemade strawberry sauce. Man, I am such a freaking loser. My kid had a hot dog today. What?? Jimmy's skiing in the Alps? My life stinks. Sally went to the museum with her kids and took super-cool pictures? My Dynamite's busy chewing on crayons (only the non-toxic ones).

Seriously though, I do love keeping up with friends that I haven't seen in ages. I love seeing how cute their kids/puppies/hair-dos are. But does it make my life richer?

Here's what I think about and you may call me overly-analytical: When I am 102-years old (because that's how long I want to live), will I be pleased with how I spent my time? Did I really need to know that Freddy's kid flushed the clicker down the toilet again? Yes, it's downright funny...and it makes me feel better about the insanity of my life, but is it necessary?

Now, I could ask this question about many things. There are so many time-suckers out there. You may be saying, "Kendra, lighten up! It's simply a past-time." I suppose the reason why I zero in on Facebook is because it is the biggest distraction for me. I dawdle away my precious time fascinated how others spend their precious time (and you know their fiddling it away on Facebook too).

My time is limited. The older I get, the more I am aware of it. The older my kids get, the more I recognize that these wonderfully busy days will come to an end.

So here's what I'm going to do: I will check my Facebook no more than once a day to check for messages and to respond. I will spend no longer than fifteen minutes doing so. That is my commitment to myself (oh dear, I am already feeling withdrawal just writing those words of "letting go").

There are other things I am putting in place to be more deliberate with my time. I will save these for a later post, but they all have to do with "being connected." I can always be reached--by home phone, cell phone, text, e-mail, or Facebook. And I really do believe my family gets the leftovers. What time-suckers do you have in your life? How do you go about not letting them take you over? Is it time for you to de-friend Facebook?

Disclaimer: I think Facebook is wonderful for a lot of reasons. i.e. re-connecting with my college roommate who I adore, sharing great recipes, hashing the heavy out, etc.