Redeeming Brokennes: A letter to my daughter

This morning was embarrassing. I felt like a loose cannon. I lashed out. I told my husband that I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I made my daughter feel sad.

And so, I decided to write her a letter in her journal. This journal is intended for when she gets older; for whenever I think the time is right...perhaps when she gets married or when she has her own little ones. I don't write in it as often as I'd like, but this morning I felt such a need to explain things to her. To explain that it's just a little nuts around here right now.

It's humbling to screw up. I wish I could keep it together all of the time, but I don't. And so, in the words of a wise friend, I decided to try and redeem this moment. How can I take something ugly and make it beautiful? How can I turn a failure in to a gift?

I know these little pieces of paper don't make it all go away, but I hope she'll be able to look back and realize that some times it all falls apart and there is healing power in contrition.

The reason I choose to share it is because I think that many of us have been there.


My dearest girl,

I believe I startled you this morning--made you feel sad, and I want you to know how sorry I am.

I know you are too young to understand now, but it is my hope that when you are older, you will realize that mommy is so very sorry.

I set my alarm to wake up at 5:15. Dynamite crawled in to bed and would not go back to sleep unless I laid with him. And so I did...and then I fell back asleep as well.

At 7:15, your dad said, "Oh no! We overslept!" Then it was rush, rush, rush to get everyone ready for school. It was crazy hair day at school and you did not want that side ponytail; you wanted four buns on your head.

You are supposed to walk out the door at 7:35 and at 7:30, Grandma Shriver called to tell us that dear Aunt Bev had died. Dad was tearing up in the bathroom and all the while, we still had to get you out the door for school.

Dynamite was in the background continuously yelling, Get Me Dressed!!!!"

As I was putting your hair in to buns, I yelled. Loud. Probably loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. "YOU NEED TO WAIT!!!!" I was yelling at your brother, but you jumped.

I had to find a book bag for Superboy because he'd left his at his friend's.

I'd planned on making lunches at 5:15 a.m. when I woke up because I was so wiped out from the day before.

Oh, Cindy-Lou Who, life is a little crazy right now. I am sorry. I get so frustrated. I don't want you to have memories of me yelling.

My prayer regarding this morning is two-fold:

1) If and when you have children~or simply within the rigors of everyday life, that you will be gentle with yourself. Life is hard sometimes, but it is also full of wonderful discoveries and relationships. Try not to take things too seriously; I have such a hard time with this. I think I may adopt the philosophy (upon the advice of a dear friend) that you can be late every damn day for school, but I am not going to be a screaming lunatic. In the grand scheme of life, if you're late once in a while for something, it's not that big of a deal.

2) That you will be able to forgive me for all of the times I've failed you or hurt your little heart. You are the world to me and I'm sorry for the way I treat you at times; that I get so frustrated.

Always know that mommy adores you. I think of you all day long while you are at school and my heart swells with pride at what a sweet, sweet, girl you are.

I love you, Cindy-Lou Who.