Redeeming Brokennes: A letter to my daughter

This morning was embarrassing. I felt like a loose cannon. I lashed out. I told my husband that I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I made my daughter feel sad.

And so, I decided to write her a letter in her journal. This journal is intended for when she gets older; for whenever I think the time is right...perhaps when she gets married or when she has her own little ones. I don't write in it as often as I'd like, but this morning I felt such a need to explain things to her. To explain that it's just a little nuts around here right now.

It's humbling to screw up. I wish I could keep it together all of the time, but I don't. And so, in the words of a wise friend, I decided to try and redeem this moment. How can I take something ugly and make it beautiful? How can I turn a failure in to a gift?

I know these little pieces of paper don't make it all go away, but I hope she'll be able to look back and realize that some times it all falls apart and there is healing power in contrition.

The reason I choose to share it is because I think that many of us have been there.


My dearest girl,

I believe I startled you this morning--made you feel sad, and I want you to know how sorry I am.

I know you are too young to understand now, but it is my hope that when you are older, you will realize that mommy is so very sorry.

I set my alarm to wake up at 5:15. Dynamite crawled in to bed and would not go back to sleep unless I laid with him. And so I did...and then I fell back asleep as well.

At 7:15, your dad said, "Oh no! We overslept!" Then it was rush, rush, rush to get everyone ready for school. It was crazy hair day at school and you did not want that side ponytail; you wanted four buns on your head.

You are supposed to walk out the door at 7:35 and at 7:30, Grandma Shriver called to tell us that dear Aunt Bev had died. Dad was tearing up in the bathroom and all the while, we still had to get you out the door for school.

Dynamite was in the background continuously yelling, Get Me Dressed!!!!"

As I was putting your hair in to buns, I yelled. Loud. Probably loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. "YOU NEED TO WAIT!!!!" I was yelling at your brother, but you jumped.

I had to find a book bag for Superboy because he'd left his at his friend's.

I'd planned on making lunches at 5:15 a.m. when I woke up because I was so wiped out from the day before.

Oh, Cindy-Lou Who, life is a little crazy right now. I am sorry. I get so frustrated. I don't want you to have memories of me yelling.

My prayer regarding this morning is two-fold:

1) If and when you have children~or simply within the rigors of everyday life, that you will be gentle with yourself. Life is hard sometimes, but it is also full of wonderful discoveries and relationships. Try not to take things too seriously; I have such a hard time with this. I think I may adopt the philosophy (upon the advice of a dear friend) that you can be late every damn day for school, but I am not going to be a screaming lunatic. In the grand scheme of life, if you're late once in a while for something, it's not that big of a deal.

2) That you will be able to forgive me for all of the times I've failed you or hurt your little heart. You are the world to me and I'm sorry for the way I treat you at times; that I get so frustrated.

Always know that mommy adores you. I think of you all day long while you are at school and my heart swells with pride at what a sweet, sweet, girl you are.

I love you, Cindy-Lou Who.

I'm an instant gratification junkie!!

I guess I have a bit of an addictive personality. I like to see what's new in everyone's world...and I really like to avoid doing what I have to do, like mop the sweet potatoes off of the floor. And so I meander over to my computer. What?!? Twelve new stories since I checked it ten minutes ago??

Oh man, I had no idea that Paula Dean Jr. (not their real name) was having sweet potato pancakes with homemade strawberry sauce. Man, I am such a freaking loser. My kid had a hot dog today. What?? Jimmy's skiing in the Alps? My life stinks. Sally went to the museum with her kids and took super-cool pictures? My Dynamite's busy chewing on crayons (only the non-toxic ones).

Seriously though, I do love keeping up with friends that I haven't seen in ages. I love seeing how cute their kids/puppies/hair-dos are. But does it make my life richer?

Here's what I think about and you may call me overly-analytical: When I am 102-years old (because that's how long I want to live), will I be pleased with how I spent my time? Did I really need to know that Freddy's kid flushed the clicker down the toilet again? Yes, it's downright funny...and it makes me feel better about the insanity of my life, but is it necessary?

Now, I could ask this question about many things. There are so many time-suckers out there. You may be saying, "Kendra, lighten up! It's simply a past-time." I suppose the reason why I zero in on Facebook is because it is the biggest distraction for me. I dawdle away my precious time fascinated how others spend their precious time (and you know their fiddling it away on Facebook too).

My time is limited. The older I get, the more I am aware of it. The older my kids get, the more I recognize that these wonderfully busy days will come to an end.

So here's what I'm going to do: I will check my Facebook no more than once a day to check for messages and to respond. I will spend no longer than fifteen minutes doing so. That is my commitment to myself (oh dear, I am already feeling withdrawal just writing those words of "letting go").

There are other things I am putting in place to be more deliberate with my time. I will save these for a later post, but they all have to do with "being connected." I can always be reached--by home phone, cell phone, text, e-mail, or Facebook. And I really do believe my family gets the leftovers. What time-suckers do you have in your life? How do you go about not letting them take you over? Is it time for you to de-friend Facebook?

Disclaimer: I think Facebook is wonderful for a lot of reasons. i.e. re-connecting with my college roommate who I adore, sharing great recipes, hashing the heavy out, etc.

Singing in the rain

I took Dynamite in to the shower with me tonight for two reasons: 1) to bathe him and 2) to keep him out of everyone's hair. He is three and is very impressed at his ability to affect the environment around him, sometimes in negative ways.

I've been thinking a lot about how I interact with my children. About how quickly the time goes. It's hard for me to believe that my eldest is going to be nine next month. Another nine and he will be contemplating college and moving out. Sometimes I wonder if time is truly absolute as it seems that it goes increasingly fast as I get older.

As I was in the shower tonight with dear Dynamite, I had the thought that I will never get "these" five minutes back. And so I knelt down and sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider to him, complete with hand motions. A wonderful smile swallowed up his face as our fingertips danced in the "rain" coming down.

God, give me the grace to remember how quickly it all goes and to make every moment, even the most ordinary, magical.

I think I can, I think I can...

I almost threw in the towel. The laundry was overflowing. The kids were non-stop bickering. One of my kids had way too many cavities when we went to the dentist despite my constant nagging about getting rid of the "sugar bugs." The dishes were piling up on the counter and I was sporting sweatpants almost everyday. The diapers I bought at the store did not absorb as much as they promised, and my mattress got soaked...more than once...by our sweet baby.

Each and every day, I would wake up and say to myself, "Today, I am going to get on top of this place." As if I could do that in one day. In my mind, I envisioned a candle burning, me sitting on the couch reading a book with a well-deserved glass of wine in the midst of my gleaming house. Of course, all of the laundry in the house would be folded and put away and my children would magically skip in to bed and say, "Thank you, dear mother, for making us go to bed early. We wish you would just relax and know how much we appreciate all you do for us. And no, I do not need a drink of water. Nor do I want you to rub my back or turn my light up just a little bit more. I have used the bathroom as much as I possibly could in a day and will not use that as an excuse to get out of my bed no less than four times. That gate?? You don't even need that, mom. I will not try to catapult over that tonight. I am obedient and long to please you." Wait...where in the heck was I going with all of that? I got kind of caught up in my blissful thinking...

Ahhh, yes. I was trying to get my head above water and was failing miserably. I would make unrealistic expectations for myself, and then be disappointed when I didn't meet them: "You sluggard. Why can't you wash/dry/fold/put away eight loads of laundry in a single day. You are a worthless piece of crap." Or, how about that attic that took years to get as disorganized as it is...why shouldn't I be able to make it tip-top in a couple of hours filled with countless interruptions?

And so I began saying things like, "I just can't keep up." "I'm not even going to try." "This is just a stage in my life where I can't get anything done and I need to accept it." And did this way of thinking make the chaos okay? No, it just made me feel like I had lost the fight. And so, I committed to get back in the ring.

I often feel that chore charts, allowance, cleaning schedules, etc. just give me one more thing to do. The thought of them overwhelm me and I can't keep up anyway. What I'm finding is that, if I take the time to implement these things, my days are much smoother. All of the time that I sit on Facebook (how I have a love/hate relationship with that site), I could be printing off charts or setting my timer for fifteen minutes to do a quick-clean.

Here are a few of the sites that have really helped me:

www.flylady.com- for the cleaning
www.onethousandgifts.com- for gratitude
www.aholyexperience.com- for the soul
www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com- for the kids

Don't try to do it all in one day. One thing at a time. And be gentle with yourself. If you have any questions about things we're implementing here, feel free to ask. We don't have it all figured out by any means, but is empowering to be on the right path. My husband said to me last week, "It actually feels like more organized chaos." Hey, that's a beginning!

Don't wait until next year!!

We bought our kids way too much this year, and I know it.

I get really excited when I can buy something for my children that I know they will love. And they have interests that I like to feed. Nonetheless, how much can they appreciate it when there is just so much?

As a teenager, it was just me and my dad. Our tradition was to go out and spend a day together. Yes, he would get me a pair of shoes or pajamas if I needed them. But the main idea of it was stopping in the middle of the holiday bustle just to spend time with each other. We would have breakfast, lunch and dinner out, maybe catch a movie. There was a mall about forty-five minutes from our house that we would drive to that one time a year (WalMart was the big deal when it was erected in our very small town).

Just a couple of days ago, my dad and I continued our tradition. Albeit with a five-month old in tow, we took time to linger a while, grabbed a cup of coffee, talked about how we could save the world.

The old-time memories and the ones we're still making are precious to me. I treasure those times with my dad and know that we have something far more valuable than anything I could buy in a store.

So, I'm choosing to do something a little extreme. We got the kids at least twelve gifts each, add in a few that are for all of them. Before bed, after the busyness of our day, I am going to weed some out...or maybe a lot. Why? Because I want them to appreciate what they get. You can tell me all of the "Christmas is magical and it's no big deal and blah, blah, blah," but it still feels like too much. I can think of about five gifts just off the top of my head that are going in to the attic and will be pulled out for a future birthday or a gift for someone else.

I received a Christmas card a couple of days ago and instead of thinking what a nice gesture it was for them to think of us, I thought, "Oh crap! I didn't send them a card; I need to get that in the mail!" Again, the Spirit of Christmas is trying to escape my grasp.

As I was feeling completely overwhelmed yesterday, I thought to myself, "Well, there's always next year to cut back and try to get it right." But why not this year? Why not start a new tradition of a humble Christmas with a few gifts and loads of love?

The kids were just tearing through the house and talking about all of the presents they were going to get from Nana and Grandma and Santa and on and on! I instituted a quiet time. Cindy-lou Who and Super boy are coloring in separate rooms with no talking, Dynamite and Ralphie are asleep along with Dh. The tree is twinkling, the music and tv are off. I've got a hot cup of coffee and am left to reflect on what it's really all about.

Having big boobs isn't all roses...

Not that I would know, but that's what my grandma always told me. She would say that they made her back hurt.

I've shared with many of you about my "food allergy" struggles. I had it narrowed down to yeast at one point. To make a very long story short, I found an allergist who immediately did skin prick testing and found that I had very severe environmental allergies--some of the most severe she's ever seen is what I was told. And the reason I was having such strong reactions to certain foods is because of this thing called Oral Allergy Syndrome. Apparently, if you're severely allergic to pollen, eating things like apples, cherries and almonds can make your lips swell and itch. If you're allergic to grass (which, of course, I am), tomatoes and oranges can do the same.

Because I hadn't zeroed in on exactly what was happening, I kept trying elimination diets. I went on a paleo diet, basically eating vegetables, fruit, nuts and grilled meats. I cut out all salad dressings and would eat plain olive oil on lettuce and/or spinach. It was pretty intense.

I am sharing this in case anyone else out there is struggling with anything like this. I am taking a morning and evening allergy pill along with taking allergy shots twice weekle. It is absolutely no exaggeration to say that my life is mine again. I don't have to call my friends constantly and ask them to pick up the kids from school because I am too groggy from Benadryl. I am able to make plans for the next day and know that I will feel well enough to keep them. I don't have to cake on makeup even though it is incredibly painful to hide the burn-like marks on my face and neck (severe swelling and hives).

I weighed 148 pounds just before I gave birth to my nine pound, four ounce bouncing baby boy. Three short months later, I dropped down to 103 pounds. And this is where my reference to my wise grandmother comes in. People would comment on how I had lost all of that baby weight so quickly and how lucky I was. And all I was thinking is how much I wanted to down a container of Ben and Jerry's! Being skinny isn't always a picnic either!

Now that my God-sent allergist has me on the road to recovery, I am having a love affair with food. I am eating everything and anything I want and have gained eight pounds. I may eventually have to reign myself in, but right now I'm enjoying myself! And for the record, I have always found people with a little more cushion quite snuggly.
If you are in the area and need an allergist, I highly recommend Dr. Annie Arrey-Mensah. You can find more out about her here. Check this out as well if you are an allergy-sufferer.

On Suffering...

A friend of mine's baby boy passed away just weeks ago. He was born healthy and for whatever reason, he is not here with us today.

And I have to ask, "Why?" Why are some called to endure such deep suffering...life-altering suffering? I don't pretend to know why, and my heart aches for an answer.

I have never been a fan of the expression, "Everything happens for a reason." I just don't believe that's true. Or "It was meant to be." Maybe those are the lies we tell ourselves and others to offer some semblance of comfort.

We often try to put ourselves in their shoes. We try to fix it. Put a band-aid on it. Make it go away. But that is not in our power. It is simply ours to walk along side those who are suffering and perhaps carry a corner of their cross.

The best advice I was ever given during a time of suffering was, "Cry your heart out. Allow yourself to grieve and to be sad. Take your time." It was validating to have someone acknowledge that what I was going through really sucked instead of having them try to sweep it under the rug.

There is a suffering that many of us will never know. A deep, hollowing suffering. My friends who are going through that right now, please know I want to help you carry your cross. I don't believe it was God's plan. I don't think that it was meant to be. Many hearts are broken for you tonight.