On Suffering...

A friend of mine's baby boy passed away just weeks ago. He was born healthy and for whatever reason, he is not here with us today.

And I have to ask, "Why?" Why are some called to endure such deep suffering...life-altering suffering? I don't pretend to know why, and my heart aches for an answer.

I have never been a fan of the expression, "Everything happens for a reason." I just don't believe that's true. Or "It was meant to be." Maybe those are the lies we tell ourselves and others to offer some semblance of comfort.

We often try to put ourselves in their shoes. We try to fix it. Put a band-aid on it. Make it go away. But that is not in our power. It is simply ours to walk along side those who are suffering and perhaps carry a corner of their cross.

The best advice I was ever given during a time of suffering was, "Cry your heart out. Allow yourself to grieve and to be sad. Take your time." It was validating to have someone acknowledge that what I was going through really sucked instead of having them try to sweep it under the rug.

There is a suffering that many of us will never know. A deep, hollowing suffering. My friends who are going through that right now, please know I want to help you carry your cross. I don't believe it was God's plan. I don't think that it was meant to be. Many hearts are broken for you tonight.

What's on my mind at 10 p.m.?

My new measuring cup. Because, well, it's kinda cool.

1) I got this fancy new measuring cup that I'm really excited about from Bed Bath and Beyond. (I should've dried it off before I took the picture, but I was in a hurry, as usual). Anyway, you pull down on the bottom and can adjust it so you only need to dirty one item instead of two or three individual measuring cups. Pretty cool! You can check it out here if you're interested!


2) This is the stack of papers that came home from my two kids today.

Can you say, "Dude." Seriously! This is what I have to look forward digging through tomorrow. I know we've talked about the paper piles before and I think I'm doing better with keeping it organized. But Holy Cow!

3) Tomorrow is my dear husband's birthday and we are going out to dinner with dear friends. I am totally geeked about this because we NEED a night out. Life has felt like one unending emergency lately and I am so looking forward to relaxing a little (with sweet Ralphie in tow, of course, because he does not like the bottle!). Happy birthday, baby!

4) Ralphie has a slight ear infection at only three months old. Boo to all those nasty germs that come home with the kiddos from school. I took the baby to the doctor today and she suggested having the older ones change their clothes immediately when they come in the door from school as to minimize the passing of heebie-jeebies. When I explained it to the older ones, they happily ran to their rooms to change...anything for their sweet baby brother. Dare I say, for any other reason they would've been moaning and groaning.

5) Just a couple pics of my kiddos enjoying a day out. At the end of the day, even though I am totally spent, these guys make it all worth it.

Beauty For Ashes

Life has been pretty rough lately. I have been trying to hone in on some food allergies and it's not been easy! For years, I've struggled with chronic fatigue and eczema. Generally, the cycle goes something like this:

1) An adverse reaction to food or an environmental factor

2) Try to drink a buttload of water and eat everything green under the sun

3) End up at the doctor looking like I had an acid bath and getting put on steroids

Ugh.

I've been eating yeast-free, because I know that I am allergic to yeast. Now, I need to figure out what else I'm allergic to.

Anyway, you don't want to hear my health woes. I sound like an 80-year old woman for crying out loud.

Let me tell you about what I'm grateful for despite my circumstances.

Today my husband came home and made me the most god-awful juice you can imagine. He threw some celery, cilantro, cucumber, kale, apples, parsley and carrots in to the juicer (he found this recipe online for combating skin issues). I then drank half of it, but had to stop there b/c I was ready to toss my cookies. But can I just say, how awesome is my husband that he tries to make me feel better? He took a half day off work so I could go to the doctor. I am one lucky duck.

My 3-month old grins so big, his little cheeks swallow up his whole chubby face. How cute is that??

When I told my 8-year old that I was sad because I couldn't find the coffee filters and I really wanted a cup of coffee, he said, "Now I feel sad because you just said you feel sad". Sweet empathy from one so young... (okay, I know that I was whining, but it was still super cute).

It is so easy to find the things that are wrong in our lives. We sure don't have to look hard. There are illnesses, inattentive spouses, pressures at work, never feeling like we have enough time. There are heavy issues that many of us can't even comprehend: crumbling marriages, dying loved ones intense financial stress, the list could go on and on.

But if we allow our lives to become only those things, we will die. Stop giving thanks and we have lost the fight. We are no longer living. We get only one today.

Check out this website for some inspiration:

http://onethousandgifts.com/a-letter-from-ann

A Memoir From Myanmar

This is your brain. This is your brain on...I don't know--hyperactivity? A little bit of crazy?
I am a runner. I wake up running. I run to make breakfast and get the kids ready and do laundry and try to get myself dressed. And that is in the first half hour of my day. I am not busier than others; I just do myself in trying to get as much done as is humanly possible. And then I have to talk to myself (yes, I know it's a problem), "Slow down...be still...remember that God shows Himself in a gentle whisper and not in the storm". Do you know how hard that is? So, as I'm leaping off the third stair from the bottom to make better time to the dryer, those are the words running through my head. But I keep running....
And so tonight, I sit down to read the words I wrote August 5, 2000 on my month long trip to Myanmar (Burma):

I slipped my shoes off and climbed up two small wooden stairs in to a one room bamboo hut. I was afraid I might fall through the floor as I could see through it and it felt like it might give way. There was one chair in the room where they had me sit like a queen--when all I really wanted to do is bury my head in shame. I wanted to cry because my clothes were clean and pressed and my hair had been washed with Pantene. There on the floor lay a man who had been paralyzed from possibly menonjitis or polio. He said he saw God in me and he was so thankful for my coming...I felt so full of shame. He wore a dirty shirt that may have once been white, a tattered blue jacket and a matching pair of pants. He was smaller than I was and he looked so frail. But we prayed and I pleaded with the Lord to heal his sickness. Through faith we can move mountains.
"Oh, I believe, Father, help me overcome my unbelief." Never have I felt this more strongly. Really, is it true what you say? Is it true that if I ask, I will receive? I want to believe so badly.
The man was curled up like a beaten child, but he held out his hands for some breath of hope. And I put my hands in his--probably more scared than he--a simple twenty-two year old girl who lives in a nice house with a nice truck and a closet full of clothes...and there he was in his little one room thatch hut curled up on the floor next to a couple of pots and pans.
I slipped off my shoes just expecting to walkl in to a room with a sick man...
I walked in to a freight train of emotions hurling me over. And I never knew that Jesus lived in the heart of a little man in a little hut full of hope and desperation.
The only thing I've learned on this trip to Myanmar is that I'm very young and I don't know anything. I don't know one iota what is to experience what many are experiencing. I don't know what it feels like not to be able to lift myself out of bed. I don't know what it feels like to be tested by God just to go to church, to have faith that He will provide rice to eat even if I don't work so that I can worship. I am so very blessed. And so very ignorant.


And I am still so very blessed---and so very ignorant. I forget to slow down. To listen. I allow my life to be turned in to a check list. But tonight, I remember. I remember not to take it all for granted. To go in and kiss my little girl on the forehead long after she is asleep. I remember to say thank you.

Back To School Stress

So, I've been getting stressed out about all of the paperwork coming home from the kids' school. I seriously had a stack about two inches thick! So here's what I decided to do:

I took a three ring binder and put in dividers labeled "school calendar", "To Return", "Super-boy", "Cindy-Lou Who", "Sports schedule" and "Miscellaneous". I may add more dividers as more papers come home. I am really hoping this will eliminate the stack on my bookshelf, kitchen table, and microwave cart. Does anyone else have a different/better suggestion?

This has caused me to wonder how moms do it. How do they stay organized? What about all of the stuff left over from last year? How about all of the crafts? I want my kids to have things to look at when they get older, but I don't want to be featured on "Hoarder's". So can you help me out with some school organization tips? Any and all are welcome!

The Love Song of My Life

I don't know which was worse: the fact that I had to do an entire shopping trip with chunky white spit up on either side of my shoulder and running down my dress or that my three year old peed all over the floor in aisle six. It's a toss-up, I guess. Oh, or the fact that my eight year old had a walkman hooked to his shorts and big headphones on listening to the Beatles. I'm sure we made plenty of people mumble in their heads last night. Nonetheless, we got our grocery shopping done and stayed sane enough to laugh about it. I haven't been keeping up with my blog as much as I'd like. Life has been getting in the way...this wonderfully chaotic life. But I am still counting my gifts daily. It reminds me that I am loved by God. Ann Voskamp talks about how each gift is God's way of saying, "I love you". The gentle breeze of the wind, the laughter of my children, a love song. Just a few of the things on my list: Little boy reading to himself~Clean kitchen table~Such loving friends~A morning at the park~Bird songs~Healed boo-boos~Music filling my ears~Kids playing in the backyard~Laughter coming in through the window~Yellow sunlight spilling in daughter's room~A walk in the fresh air~Encouraging words~Sleeping baby on my chest~The building of a life...

Same Crap, Different Day?

There has been little time where I'm not holding a certain, sweet baby lately and therefore, haven't been able to keep up with my blog as much as I'd like. I have, however, continued to count my gifts and am continually amazed at the goodness that surrounds when I look for it.

I was talking with someone the other day and when I asked him how he was doing he replied, "Same crap, different day, isn't that the way it is?" There are days when I do feel like it's Groundhog Day. I wake up and the Snoopy and the Red Baron song is filling up my house; I know it is another day. I make the coffee, change diapers (yes, we haven't quite gotten Dynamite potty-trained yet), take out the trash, etc. Same crap, different day. And yet, I know that each day comes with opportunity for renewal and growth. For learning new things. For becoming more whole. For finding more wonder...

Sleeping children~My neighbor getting milk from the store for me~A husband who listens~The kindness in others~Chubby cheeks~Clean, white sheets~3-year old belly laughs~Train ride through the Village~A day that feels like fall~Remembering sorrow and thanking God for healing~Hot steam rolling off my coffee in the early morning~The sound of crickets outside my window~Piles of laundry~A sink of dishes~A list a mile long~Lemonade stands...