Loving the Ugly

I got to take a shower today for the first time since having my c-section on Wednesday. I've been hooked up to a pain pump for the last two days, so there was no getting wet other than to wipe my face off with a hot towel.

Dh and Cindy-Lou Who came up to the hospital to visit Ralphie (if Dynamite can't name his this in real life, I will allow it in Blog World).

I am still weak from being in bed so much and a healing incision. My legs are still a little shaky and I'm walking like my 94-year old neighbor.

Dh walked slowly behind me with his hand on the small of my back and followed me in to the bathroom. There I very tenderly undressed, as not to bump anything. I looked down at my body and, well, I felt vulnerable.

My stomach is pooched out and looks about five to six months pregnant. I am red all over from the pain meds leaving a rash behind. I will spare you the facts about everything else as to keep this blog "decent" and trust that whether or not you've had a child, you know what it is to feel insecure.

Dh helped me wash my four-timed cesarean scarred up body and wrapped me in a towel. He then knelt down to dry off my legs and helped me on with my underwear as I stood there feeling anything but beautiful.

"Look how little you are," he said smiling.

It felt so good to take that shower. I felt renewed, clean and cared for.

Tonight I am thinking about what it is to be loved. To be treasured. To be cherished.

Nine and a half years and four kids later, I may have figured it out. It is not easy, but it is persistent.

Dh and I are both flawed. As I talk about the physical, it reminds that I am also spiritually flawed. We both are. We are human and full of failures. Earthly trials and temptations. Shortcomings.

And yet, showered in grace. Mercy. Love. I believe that God looks at all of those spiritual wounds we bear, and says, "Look how lovely you are".

This is what true love is: seeing the imperfections and choosing to love anyway. Embracing the broken and not trying to fix it, but to love in spite of it.

I'm counting my blessings today. Among them: a fuzzy-headed Ralphie, three gorgeous kids who keep asking their daddy when mama is coming home, the best friends in the entire universe, a mom who just can't help enough, and a dh who loves every broken part of me.